remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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