just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
