Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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