I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
