If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
