your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
