I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
