I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
