dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
