I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
