i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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