Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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