this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
