if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
