theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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