make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
