It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
