We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
