fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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