PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
