I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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