Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
