you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
