So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
