Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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