You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think my vagina is haunted
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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