Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
