just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
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You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Boobs are out for the taking
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If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize