girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
