the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
