and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
