glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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