He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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