Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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