Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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