My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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