Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
