you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
