Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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