Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
