She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
