We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
