So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
