Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I need to sanitize my soul.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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