Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
