So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
