using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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