Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
