Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
