my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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