I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I would ride that face into the sunset
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
