So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
